Like Clockwork

I’ve noticed that my current happiness/satisfaction with friends (and even siblings) ebbs and flows as predictaby as clockwork. If one week, I feel like I’ve misjudged them and that I might seriously be undeserving of them, in another week or so, I’ll be guaranteed to return to a jaded state of thinking that I can’t really count on them and I’ve been a stupid, naive fool.

It used to be that I’d kind of go through each phase kind of hermetically-sealed and oblivious to the “bigger” pattern. I’d go through my pessimistic phase thinking “from now on, I’ll just go through the motions of friendship, but really only depend on myself.” And during my highs, I’d be like “Man, I misjudged my friends. They do care.”  But the pattern has reoccured enough for me to think that this might just be the way things are. Makes sense. No one’s perfect…I can’t expect my friends to be perfect either. But I can’t help feeling like if I accept this roller-coaster pattern, I’m kind of jadedly sealing myself off and rendering myself unable to enjoy moments of good/true friendship (because those definitely exist, I think). But then the alternative- all the going up and down- is kind of exhausting and bewildering. And I don’t really like constantly having to change my mind (espeically in regards to where I stand with others). But I might just have to deal because that’s how life works. Perhaps this is just a rant that I’m tired of the way life and people work.